... but are working for my good.
Even when I have found myself in the worst of the worst situations, and believe me, there was some serious struggling going on, I came to realize that it indeed was for my good. In some way, although the reasoning may go unknown to me, I can now look back and see that I have cleared that storm, at least partially.
Struggling with, and often losing to, PPD was a low I never knew I would sink to. However, I should have seen it coming: not being able to complete my senior year at USC; getting pregnant by a man I barely knew; being homeless; moving down South; being completely cut off from friends and the outside world; living with someone who neither liked nor understood me; the stresses of being alone with a newborn. Then we moved to a small town where I could only spend my days alone and inside, thinking about the past year and how awful it had been, thinking about the what ifs, thinking about the shoulda/coulda/wouldas; wondering why God was letting me slip farther and farther from His saving grace. I was in this tempestuous situation and mindset for the longest time and all my prayers were only reminders of how I was alone. Sometimes there were glimmers of hope, but I gave up. I really did.
Somewhere along the way, after countless conversations with my two best friends, I started to accept it. I absolutely hated where I was, but decided that it was what it was and I had to roll with it. (Seeing now that my prayers helped me let go to all the wishes of going back to being normal), I saw some changes being brought about. I thought I had exhausted my voice and could no longer talk to God, and frankly I didn't want to because I was being let down time and time again when I needed Him the most, but I started to praise Him. I can not place the time when it happened, but strangely I began to recognize and feel a new life blooming. I was happy. What? Yes, I started to feel happy, to smile more, to have my thoughts wander in more positive places. I don't know how or when, but I know what it was- it took Him a while, but God was delivering me.
I can honestly look at my life right now and see that there is indeed much room for improvement, but I can easily identify so many points of grace and happiness. So my daughter doesn't sleep through the night, but she's standing and crawling at seven months old. So my significan other doesn't do much around the house and works all the time, but he didn't leave me. So I have lost 95% of my friends, but those who still talk to me are invaluable sources of strength and laughter. By no means am I out of the woods yet, but I have a renewed faith and a source of energy that is going to power me through these next couple of years as I try to get my life back on track.
Friday, February 25, 2011
1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
6. to pardon an offense or an offender.
What a LOADED word. It can be easy to understand what this word means, but it is an entirely different ball game when attempting to actually put that word into action in your own life. I heard that forgiving is done more so for the person who was wronged and who is doing the forgiving than for the person being forgiven. I agree completely.
I have been in a situation that has me yearning, longing, desperately needing to forgive; it would give me so much freedom and peace of mind and peace in my heart. However, I am finding it nearly impossible to forgive. This probem, this person, has been a thorn in my side for more than a year and is only getting worse. I can remember being pregnant at one of my last Bible studies in Boston, asking my friends how to forgive, how God asks us to forgive, how to make this situation less of a burden. I thought I found some answers. Well, now as I watch my seven and a half month old crawling around the living room, I am still burdened with the daunting task of forgiving somebody who has proven to be an enemy of sorts. And it breaks my heart.
If only I could simply pardon her wrongdoings; if only I could cease to feel this resentment.
I pray that this work in progress will actually have an end. For her sake. For my sanity.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I've been thinking about this for quite some time now. I mean, after drowning in stagnant waters, which at the same time was a suffocating hurricane of confusion and "emotion", I have so much that has been building up. Trying to figure things out made me realize that the new role I was placed in was not going to change so I had to readjust myself. Like it or not. I have acclimated to this lifestyle (?) and have found my rhythm. Now I have a firm foundation that is helping me get back in touch with my former self, in a producttive and positive way, and I am ready to tie up the loose ends. I'm ready for this. I'm ready for more.