Monday, April 4, 2011


Definitely one of my most unsuccessful years.  Haven't really given something up, but I have rededicated myself to the church.  Church has been going well for the most part...

I went to Stations of the Cross at my new parish for the first and last time two weeks ago and it really made me sad.  It was awful.  I have never been at a service that was more rushed; my priest barely let us respond before he started moving on and the confirmation kids were joking throughout the whole service.  Almost everybody was there just to check it off their Lenten to-do lists and I couldn't be more disappointed.  One guy wouldn't even let me keep the booklet they passed out at the beginning!  So disappointed. 

I'm trying to be a good Catholic.  The least the church could do is be a good Catholic as well.  I'll just focus on being Christian in the world, I guess.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Bikini Season

To the extra 9 pounds still clinging to my body,

Please leave.  You are not wanted and need to go.  I am ready to slip back into my skimpy bathing suits, and unfortunately there is no room for you.   (But the DDs can stay... super sexy, thanks.)  Okay?  Great!  Bye.



Thursday, March 24, 2011


Goodness, they are so hard to put together...

I used to put just one sprout of hair into a ponytail on the top of her head, but it started looking kind of crazy so I switched to putting two on her.  Wow, with crawling, rolling, sitting, standing, lunging, jumping, turning, and throwing up, pigtails are a big task when trying to do on an 8 month old!

Ah, but she looks toooooooooo cute in them.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Driving through History

So my best friend came down to NC to visit me and the baby.  So here we are, two Southie girls, reminiscing about the crazy times growing up in Boston while laughing at the oddities of being in a small town.  Hanging out and catching up was absolutely fantastic, and the only way to add a little more excitement to the visit was to road trip, of course!  We get the baby ready and hit the road.

Driving from Roanoke Rapids to Greensboro took about 5 hours total and the things we saw along the way were stunning.  Whenever I would fly across America, I would stare, fascinated, out the window at the farmland and green landscape below.  Now, I was driving through.  It is hard to describe the intense feeling I had while I was looking out the window- awe at the purity, confused by the simplicity, stunned at the beauty, irritated by the vacancy, on and on.  We drove by some of the greenest fields, knowing they would only become more green and beautiful as they grew.  We also drove by some of the strangest, and very scary, skeletons of buildings.  Nevermind the big, beautiful plantation manors; the remnants of these structures had me wondering the most.

By the edge of the road and in the middle of fields were these wooden shacks and brick buildings.  The walls had rotted, bricks had been knocked down, and what remained were the hulls of what once would have been where people lived; slave houses.  It's so weird being down South; I mean really down South and really weird.  Here we are, two city girls, driving by the fields that make and nurture America as she is today; driving by the homes of the people who made America what it was.  My little mixed baby is in the back seat and I can't help but think of the stories her father told me about his Grandma Gran, the slave.  She was a slave.  What?  I'm first generation, but my little baby has direct slave ancestry and I am driving through their land.  My mind was spinning and I could not stop looking.

Horses and cattle were out to graze, and I was thinking how I would love my daughter to take advantage of her surroundings and learn about farming and animals when she gets older.  But, what would it be like for her to do these things knowing that a few generations before her, her family was forced to do the things I would like her to experience just to become a well rounded person?  I had great opportunities when I was younger, fulfilling the dreams of my immigrant family, but my daughter is mixed and has a long history in America.  This stuff is crazy.

Our road trip to Greensboro was great and the drive back was just as interesting as the drive there.  Then, the next day we saw on Google that there was a town called South Boston in Virginia.  Um, hello, of course the two girls from South Boston, MA are going to visit South Boston, VA!  So we did.  That drive through the farmlands was very similar to and equally as interesting as our first trip.  This time, however, we found a real plantation with GPS.  We went there and it was eerie.  The home was gorgeous, so grand and neat, and it seemed simply perfect.  What made this visit memorable was actually the slave house.  It was located on the edge of the property and we walked along the long stone wall that we knew the slaves built.  We saw their large, wooden home, now overgrown by various grasses and weeds, and saw their tired eyes staring back at us in the black and open windows left behind.  I asked my best friend if souls really can linger.  She said that with all she know from the Bible, death ends the suffering of this world and they should go on to the places they will inhabit after this life.  But, with all the incrdible evil that had been concentrated in specific places, demonic presences can dwell there.  Slave houses in America.

Wow, these things are just around the corner from where I live now.  My best friend and I picked cotton from the fields by my house and kind of laughed a bit about it.  Then we saw the larger fields, the plantation homes, and the slave houses.  Real world.

Monday, March 7, 2011

God Gave Me You

I love that song- truth. 

We went through some incredibly crazy, stressful, shocking, rough, and tempestuous times, but through it all, God pulled us through.  Those times make us stronger.

God has brought me so far and placed me in the arms of a man who made "me" into an "us".

Friday, March 4, 2011

Butt Cream

So the baby had a red bottom and I knew it was far beyond a diaper rash.  We go to the Ped. and end up needing a prescription.  I go to pick it up and then look at the price.  $286.99... not kidding.  For 50 g of butt cream!  That's our electric, water, and cable for one month.
At least it did the job...

Saturday, February 26, 2011

All things are not good...

... but are working for my good.
Even when I have found myself in the worst of the worst situations, and believe me, there was some serious struggling going on, I came to realize that it indeed was for my good.  In some way, although the reasoning may go unknown to me, I can now look back and see that I have cleared that storm, at least partially. 
Struggling with, and often losing to, PPD was a low I never knew I would sink to.  However, I should have seen it coming: not being able to complete my senior year at USC; getting pregnant by a man I barely knew; being homeless; moving down South; being completely cut off from friends and the outside world; living with someone who neither liked nor understood me; the stresses of being alone with a newborn.  Then we moved to a small town where I could only spend my days alone and inside, thinking about the past year and how awful it had been, thinking about the what ifs, thinking about the shoulda/coulda/wouldas; wondering why God was letting me slip farther and farther from His saving grace.  I was in this tempestuous situation and mindset for the longest time and all my prayers were only reminders of how I was alone.  Sometimes there were glimmers of hope, but I gave up.  I really did.
Somewhere along the way, after countless conversations with my two best friends, I started to accept it.  I absolutely hated where I was, but decided that it was what it was and I had to roll with it.  (Seeing now that my prayers helped me let go to all the wishes of going back to being normal), I saw some changes being brought about.  I thought I had exhausted my voice and could no longer talk to God, and frankly I didn't want to because I was being let down time and time again when I needed Him the most, but I started to praise Him.  I can not place the time when it happened, but strangely I began to recognize and feel a new life blooming.  I was happy.  What?  Yes, I started to feel happy, to smile more, to have my thoughts wander in  more positive places.  I don't know how or when, but I know what it was- it took Him a while, but God was delivering me. 
I can honestly look at my life right now and see that there is indeed much room for improvement, but I can easily identify so many points of grace and happiness.  So my daughter doesn't sleep through the night, but she's standing and crawling at seven months old.  So my significan other doesn't do much around the house and works all the time, but he didn't leave me.  So I have lost 95% of my friends, but those who still talk to me are invaluable sources of strength and laughter.  By no means am I out of the woods yet, but I have a renewed faith and a source of energy that is going to power me through these next couple of years as I try to get my life back on track.

Friday, February 25, 2011

To Forgive

1. to grant pardon for or remission of (an offense, debt, etc.); absolve.
2. to give up all claim on account of; remit (a debt, obligation, etc.).
3. to grant pardon to (a person).
4. to cease to feel resentment against: to forgive one's enemies.
5. to cancel an indebtedness or liability of: to forgive the interest owed on a loan.
6. to pardon an offense or an offender.
What a  LOADED word.  It can be easy to understand what this word means, but it is an entirely different ball game when attempting to actually put that word into action in your own life.  I heard that forgiving is done more so for the person who was wronged and who is doing the forgiving than for the person being forgiven.  I agree completely.
I have been in a situation that has me yearning, longing, desperately needing to forgive; it would give me so much freedom and peace of mind and peace in my heart.  However, I am finding it nearly impossible to forgive.  This probem, this person, has been a thorn in my side for more than a year and is only getting worse.  I can remember being pregnant at one of my last Bible studies in Boston, asking my friends how to forgive, how God asks us to forgive, how to make this situation less of a burden.  I thought I found some answers.  Well, now as I watch my seven and a half month old crawling around the living room, I am still burdened with the daunting task of forgiving somebody who has proven to be an enemy of sorts.  And it breaks my heart. 
If only I could simply pardon her wrongdoings; if only I could cease to feel this resentment.
I pray that this work in progress will actually have an end.  For her sake.  For my sanity.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Getting Back

I've been thinking about this for quite some time now.  I mean, after drowning in stagnant waters, which at the same time was a suffocating hurricane of confusion and "emotion", I have so much that has been building up.  Trying to figure things out made me realize that the new role I was placed in was not going to change so I had to readjust myself.  Like it or not.  I have acclimated to this lifestyle (?) and have found my rhythm.  Now I have a firm foundation that is helping me get back in touch with my former self, in a producttive and positive way, and I am ready to tie up the loose ends.  I'm ready for this.  I'm ready for more.