Saturday, February 26, 2011

All things are not good...

... but are working for my good.
Even when I have found myself in the worst of the worst situations, and believe me, there was some serious struggling going on, I came to realize that it indeed was for my good.  In some way, although the reasoning may go unknown to me, I can now look back and see that I have cleared that storm, at least partially. 
Struggling with, and often losing to, PPD was a low I never knew I would sink to.  However, I should have seen it coming: not being able to complete my senior year at USC; getting pregnant by a man I barely knew; being homeless; moving down South; being completely cut off from friends and the outside world; living with someone who neither liked nor understood me; the stresses of being alone with a newborn.  Then we moved to a small town where I could only spend my days alone and inside, thinking about the past year and how awful it had been, thinking about the what ifs, thinking about the shoulda/coulda/wouldas; wondering why God was letting me slip farther and farther from His saving grace.  I was in this tempestuous situation and mindset for the longest time and all my prayers were only reminders of how I was alone.  Sometimes there were glimmers of hope, but I gave up.  I really did.
Somewhere along the way, after countless conversations with my two best friends, I started to accept it.  I absolutely hated where I was, but decided that it was what it was and I had to roll with it.  (Seeing now that my prayers helped me let go to all the wishes of going back to being normal), I saw some changes being brought about.  I thought I had exhausted my voice and could no longer talk to God, and frankly I didn't want to because I was being let down time and time again when I needed Him the most, but I started to praise Him.  I can not place the time when it happened, but strangely I began to recognize and feel a new life blooming.  I was happy.  What?  Yes, I started to feel happy, to smile more, to have my thoughts wander in  more positive places.  I don't know how or when, but I know what it was- it took Him a while, but God was delivering me. 
I can honestly look at my life right now and see that there is indeed much room for improvement, but I can easily identify so many points of grace and happiness.  So my daughter doesn't sleep through the night, but she's standing and crawling at seven months old.  So my significan other doesn't do much around the house and works all the time, but he didn't leave me.  So I have lost 95% of my friends, but those who still talk to me are invaluable sources of strength and laughter.  By no means am I out of the woods yet, but I have a renewed faith and a source of energy that is going to power me through these next couple of years as I try to get my life back on track.

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